Dating and Anorexia

I have no problem telling people I am in recovery for an eating disorder. I mean for goodness sake, I put my whole story in the middle of the fishbowl a very long time ago. Google my name and you can see the ugly, the bad, and all the sad.

I have never been ashamed of who I am, and I have never felt sorry for myself. Anybody can ask me anything and I will tell them.
However, I am sitting on a date the other night, sweating bullets because I wonder how long it’s going to take this one to be an ass and disappoint me. It’s that typical date conversation, you know the one where I am praying he isn’t wanted by the FBI, lives with his mother, or collects rare star wars memorabilia. Dating and Eating Disorders
It’s also the one where I am telling him all about myself, not too much, and not too little… but being extra careful not to tell him a thing about my anorexia…YET.
How long can I hold out though? It’s my job, it’s my life, it’s practically my middle name. I don’t want to spring it all on him, but he’s got to know who I am and why. It’s that fear though…the fear of being rejected and looked at like a freak.
It all stems from the fact that most guys don’t exactly expect that when they ask me on a date, they are also asking  out a diagnosis, a story, and a past.
Like I said, I am not ashamed of what I have gone through, but I have also been a witness to guys who don’t know how to deal with a girl who has spent half of her life away from the real world.
I have been so successful at playing the part of normal, that everything I went through, all the pain and misery, and all the ickk…well it’s tucked away very nicely in a box, tied with a bow, and put up on a shelf when it comes to the opposite sex.
I am very green when it comes to dating and for the past three years have not been very successful at it. Most of the men I meet are self-absorbed and all they want is to get laid.
I have learned that most of those men don’t want a girl who has issues.
It’s messy for them and they kind of look at it like a bunch of emotional baggage.
Will Prince Charming Want A Princess With an Eating Disorder?
It scares me to death to go on a date, because I know it’s just going to be a matter of time before he finds out that I have an Eating Disorder. It also boils down to the fact that they are dating a girl who is very new at everything, including sex.
It means that I am not a woman who has had a lot of lovers, or relationships.
anorexia and dating
It means that although I look pretty good, underneath the pretty black dress and red stilettos is a girl who has osteoporosis, shrunken organs, a messed up esophagus, and a mouthful of teeth going under mass reconstruction.
It means that I am a girl who everyday has to deal with looking in a mirror and having to fight hard to like what I see.
It means that when I am sitting there eating my dinner, that in the back of my mind I am fighting to not see it as a plate of calories, 4 hours at the gym, or regret in the shower.
Anorexia is a mental disorder, and sometimes people attach that to the word Crazy.
You can imagine what it is like to not only have to go on dates, but also know that if this guy has got potential, he has to be ready to take on a pretty strong-minded girl with a strong-minded past.
The point I am trying to make, is how the hell do you find a guy who is going to be compassionate and also at the same time get me?
I will tell you that last week on that date, I chose to not dump my history on the poor gent, but casually let him know a bit about my life.
Surprisingly enough, he didn’t ask for the check right away, run off to the bathroom, or make an excuse that he had to work really early in the morning.
Instead he embraced it, and totally accepted it. It was really refreshing, and I have to say that by me doing that, he opened up about who he was.
I was and pretty much still am in a state of shock, that I could have possibly met somebody who accepts me for who I am, and isn’t out for just a week or two of kicks and grins.
The thing is, that if somebody wants to be with you, they aren’t going to care whether you are fat, skinny, black, white, polka dotted or purple.
They accept you for you, and don’t see anything but who you are on the inside.
I always doubted that I would ever find somebody who would be ready to take me on.
Whether or not my Prince Charming is out there, I don’t know.
What I do know is that what started out as Once upon a nightmare, could very well turn out to be a “happily ever after”…I just have to have faith.

Tags: , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.