Most women my age do not like dating. I myself  find it basically the equivalent to having to go out and buy tires at Pep Boys.

I know I need them, but when I start looking at all of them, I have no idea where to even begin. This one is saying it has good tread, the other one says longevity,there’s ones that can hold up well in bad weather, and then there are the ones that claim to be the best in size, but believe me when push comes to shove..big isn’t always better (pun very much intended.) The only thing I truly care about in a tire is that it gets me around, looks nice and new, and won’t become flat after two weeks, or wear out before its warranty.

I won’t lie, I am about as experienced at dating, as Mike Tyson is at Basketball. Basically I ’m great at jumping in a ring, but couldn’t put a ball through a hoop to save my life.

I  actually never in my life thought there would be a time where I would have to deal with this. I had pretty much destined myself to a life of being the crypt keeper who would die of her Anorexia. Who knew I was gonna turn to working my “ass off to be so skinny”, to working it on to become “somewhat normal looking.”

Nor did anybody think I was going to bounce back as well as I did, and although I have some ways to still go, I kind of got my “babe back on”.

As great as that is for me, it also has created some complications in my little life. Welcome back to the jungle baby…I am now just one among the whole herd, who is always under the watchful eyes of the Jungle Cats that prey the land for innocent Wildabeast, gazelles, and the occasional bunny rabbit. Prey they will, and that can be pretty scary for a girl who has spent most of her life in a committed relationship with a diagnosis.

When I was really sick you would honestly be surprised how many guys still came after me. Some were clueless but it didn’t take them very long to put two and two together that they were not going to get much action from me unless it was at an “all you can eat buffet.”  Others however got really sucked in and took on this kind of “white knight on his horse” persona and I think believed deep down inside that they could save me.

Well after I pretty much squelched all those dreams, they moved on to bigger and brighter pastures with the “wildabeast” that actually had a real bra size.

I’ve touched on the fact before that quite a lot of people have told me to tread lightly when it comes to what I do these days. Most people didn’t think I could handle just jumping back into life like I did, thinking it would take years and years of therapy to desynthesize me from Hell and get me back to real life. The funny thing is, I kind of feel like I never left. I feel like I just jumped smack back on that train I jumped off 17 years ago, handed in a very tattered ticket stub and asked “so where do I sit?”

I actually have been extremely surprised that I have adapted so well. I sometimes wonder if it will all hit me one day and I will wake up screaming “OMG get me off this crazy ride!”

However I’ve been quite fine, and I don’t anticipate there being a problem in the future.

I mean don’t get me wrong, it has been quite the adjustment, but one I am handling in stride.

Let me explain to you that one of the casualties of an Eating Disorder is your sex drive.

I’m talking it pretty much wipes it out. Johnny Depp, David Beckham, and Christian Bale could have been standing in front of me butt naked, and I wouldn’t have even felt an itch.

It’s quite different when you gain back those 54 pounds…let your imagination take you where it may.

As great as it is, it’s also quite scary to be back among the birds and the bees when you have spent half of your life being a caterpillar.

I always had a very scary viewpoint of sex and dating in general, mostly due to my lack of experience.

There was that part of me that used to pride myself  in my virginity, but as the years went on and on, I began feeling like I was living in my own personal convent.

I don’t think many people thought much about that as the first thing on their brains was usually “feed this girl a sandwich.”, not “feed this girl a man”, however I knew that unless I was wearing a nun’s outfit, I was missing out on a great part of life.

Well lets fast forward to present day again, which puts me back in that jungle of all that is love.

When you live so saturated in your eating disorder there is nothing sexual about you. A lot of women will tell you that one of the reasons they got their eating disorder was due to some sort of sexual trauma like rape or some sort of sexual abuse. Their Anorexia is safe for them, because they feel it makes them unattractive to the opposite sex. I however never felt that way. I always wanted to be attractive to men and was often ashamed that I looked so child-like. Regaining what it’s like to be a woman is a huge part of anybody getting over Anorexia…huge!

I was pretty excited to be back in the game, but was very rusty on my moves. However, I was surprised how easy it has become for me. Part of me accepting my new curves that came with the weight gain, was feeling that they made me feel like a real woman. I love being Sexy. I love putting on a great dress and some great heels and some red lipstick. Women need that, and it’s been a major part of my recovery that helps me feel complete. Believe me though, just because you buy a pretty bike doesn’t mean you know how to ride it at first.

It’s been a whirlwind, and yes..now I find myself in the middle of that Pep Boys trying to not only pick out the right tires, but also trying to figure which ones are out just to take me for a fast ride. I’ve also become pretty good about learning how to change one on my own when it goes flat

Stay tuned for more adventures in my love life..but for now the lights to my bedroom are off!