As many people by now know, I have had a pretty hard-knock life. I certainly haven’t lived my life in a traditional way. As a matter of fact, you could probably say I took a short left at “traditional” and then took a hard right to pretty “effed up.”
A therapist I had once thought it would be a pretty good idea to get an idea of where my life had taken me by making her a “map” of it. After two minutes she got so lost that I thought I was going to have to call Mental Rescue Patrol and bring her back to safety.
I certainly didn’t plan it like that. I was like any other girl, who had hopes and dreams. Some of them involved being a movie actress and living in the South of France with my husband Johnny Depp, while others were a bit more realistic and had me being a working woman, with a house and hopefully a husband that my future children would’t be spending every other weekend with. 
However, almost like some weird scifi movie, I had my youth abducted before it even had a chance to get started. Instead, me and my life became a ”weird science” project, a 17 year experiment that would turn a perfectly healthy young 16 year old female into a diagnosis, and a disease.
I was sent into a weird time warp where normalcy refused to exist.
So as the rest of the world, particularly people my age, were venturing off to college, going to frat parties, moving on to graduate, get married, have children and settle into careers, I was not. I was living this parallel Universe of Doctors, and hospitals beds, treatment centers, and feeding tubes. I wasn’t falling in love for the first time, landing my first job or walking down an aisle to say “I do.” 
The biggest problem about all of this, was that I missed out on all the emotions and feelings that go along with most life experiences. This is what molds somebody and matures them, so that by the time they are in their mid-30′s they have a sense of self, a sense of identity, a sense of who and what they stand for in this world.
For half of my life the only thing I stood for was SICK. The only experiences I had pretty much went along with that, and instead of molding me into a mature successful woman, I had evolved into one big hot mess.
The good news is: years later I was able to escape that crazy dimension and come back to reality…or should I say reality shock.
I myself like to refer to it as “Social Amnesia.”
Let me explain, imagine if you will… being in a coma for half of your life and then waking up.
You wake up at an age where by now you should have already had your heart broken, gotten wasted at a Frat Party, fallen in love, gotten a rock on your finger, partied in Vegas, sported a white wedding dress, popped out a couple of nuggets, signed a mortgage, and maybe burned one or two Holiday turkeys while fighting with your mother-in-law. 
At the age of 25, I hadn’t done any of that, and the thought of having to not only play the part of an adult, but act like one scarred me to effing death. However, it was also really exciting too. I felt deep down in my heart it still wasn’t too late for my future to be saved.
I’ve had a lot of people tell me to take it slow, that it’s a process to merge back into planet earth. That I should take my time, and analyze every step I take before it’s been made. They treat me like I’m fragile, and one false move could send me spiraling downwards.
I thought about that for about a good 2 seconds, and I thought…Oh “hell not so much”…I’m not wasting one more minute sitting down on the ground while everybody else around me is running around.One really good thing about telling my eating disorder to shove it, was also not allowing it to hold the reigns to my life anymore.
I call the shots now, plain and simple.
So in the last 2 years I have basically used every single day to make up for the years my damn eating disorder took away from me.
Yes..I kinda figured out what I want to be when I grow up…A normal person!! I’m sure trying anyway. I got a great job, I fell in love, I had my heart broken, I got over him, I date all the time now, I ‘ve stood in line at the DMV, gotten more than a few speeding tickets, buy things on credit, pay for things online, have a little shoe obsession, and yes on the occasional Saturday night “get jiggy with it” on the dance floor.
It’s pretty crazy to think that I’m doing things for the first time that most people my age did over a decade ago, but I don’t give a damn.
I love my life and I love being able to live it to the fullest.
Everyday is an opportunity for me to take back all those days I got taken away from me. It’s an opportunity to live each moment like it’s my first, and experience it like it is most certainly not going to be my last!
WALK OF LIFE-DIRE STRAITS
Melissa, that is great that you have been able to tell your eating disorder to “shove it,” and you mention the many facilities you have been through on your quest to get your life back, but you don’t mention what actually made the final difference. What pivotal moment made you believe enough that you could do this on your own? I am very curious, because I have known women who needed years of therapy and assistance and they STILL fight with the old habits of bulimia, anorexia, and cutting. I am very happy for you in your new life, but how did you suddenly wake up one day and decide to reclaim your missing years? Do you still go to counseling or have a core group of friends who support you in your decision? I have heard so many times about how people with addictions face the challenge of permanent changes, and I’m curious about what makes you so successful? Blessings as you continue in your chosen path of experiencing life with yourself at the helm!
Thanks for the props Martha. You know people ask me all the time what it was that finally changed me around. A lot of people say you have to hit “rock bottom” before you wake up and smell the coffee. I myself however had hit so many rock bottoms that should have done exactly that and did not.
I have to say the thing that truly turned me around, the thing that made me finally give up all the control and let somebody else “drive the crazy bus” was that I loathed myself. I hated who I had become, If I was me, I wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with me. I had become somebody whose blood was ice cold and whose soul was empty. I knew I had gotten myself in a pretty deep hole, but crying and trying to figure out how I got there was doing me no good. I had to figure out a way to get out, and the only way out was starting to climb up…one step at a time. It didn’t happen overnight, but when I came to the Rader Programs in 2008 I knew in my heart I was ready. Somebody told me to stop acting like an anorexic and to start acting like a patient, and that’s what I started to do. I am still in the process of recovery, but each and everyday thank the fact that I am alive. My biggest asset was telling the eating disorder that I was now in charge, and gaining enough Confidence in myself to go out there and make something of myself.
Smiles!
Miss Meliss Rader Programs