Last Sunday in the middle of the night I got really really ill. I had a good weekend and was anxious to get back to work the next day, and just honestly did not have getting sick on my agenda. However, at around 2 a.m. I woke up very nauseated and in the back of my head I knew..but I was still like ”heck to the no” this is not happening. I was in my bed trying to convince myself not to throw up. People might find it ironic that for half of my life, I payed my homage to the porcelain gods, but now I seriously try just about anything to get myself out of having anything to to do with stomach problems. However sometimes so is life, and even I who could probably convince a zebra to shed his stripes, had no say in this matter.
I ended up having to go to my doctor and while I usually say a very blunt “no thank you” to the initial weigh in before I see him, this time I decided to step on it. Call it curiosity, or we can call a “spade a spade” and say that knowing I hadn’t eaten much in three days made my Anorexia start begging to see that number.
Of course the digits were down, and I found myself in a situation called “lets take a walk down memory lane” . All of a sudden my head started to do back flips and I felt this sense of satisfaction.
Now I will be the first one to tell you that if anybody can see a Warning Sign when it comes to this disorder it is me. I am still very much in Recovery as I believe it is an ongoing process that I will have for the rest of my life.
However it is at times like this, times where your just walking down the road and out of nowhere your Eating Disorder just pops up right in front of you. It doesn’t warn you, it doesn’t send you and email, it doesn’t text you it’s coming over.
That’s why you always have to be prepared. You always have to keep up your guard, and never talk yourself into believing your Eating Disorder has completely left the building.
I know that for your average everyday person, getting sick and losing a few pounds is pretty normal. For your average person getting scolded by your boss might cause you to lose your appetite for the rest of the day. For your average person getting some bad news wouldn’t cause anybody to blink an eye that you went to bed without dinner.
For the average person with an eating disorder this can be as dangerous as going out on frozen pond and walking around on it despite the fact that there were signs everywhere that said “Beware of Thin Ice.” It might look perfectly fine but one wrong step in the wrong place could cause it to break and you be in a lot of trouble.
I know how easy it is when people who have eating disorders getting sick. The not eating for a few days has caused them to jump back into that starvation zone.
That zone can be very addictive and it can give you that initial high of hunger that you thought you had shed.
To me I know I am just not going to screw around with having to take another trip to Hell. I know it took me long enough to get out of there, and I have no intentions of going back.
Something as simple as skipping one meal could cause your disorder to start heading in the wrong direction.
Sure there are a lot of times just like me recently getting food poisoning that you can’t help. However just because you can’t control life doesn’t mean you can’t control your own behavior.
I know I had two choices..plain and simple. I could either let this little episode cause me to flirt a little bit with my anorexia??…hmmmm?? You know, just try it on for size, see if I still liked the way it fit?? Instead I could look ahead to the consequences to doing this and realize they were not ones I wanted to go through.
I knew if I didn’t build my strength back up, it would only cause me to get weaker. This would take me away from my job which is the most important thing in my life. It would also like I said open up a portal to very dangerous territory which in the end would put everything that was important in my life at risk.
My health is what comes first to me emotionally and physically. Some people look at people in recovery and think to themselves they could be doing so much more?? What they fail to realize is that every single day we fight for our lives, and if we are keeping our heads above water, do not assume we are going to drown!
Catching yourself before things get out of control is the key. Sometimes that means reaching out for support if you feel your knees getting weak. Call a friend, go to a meeting, set up an appointment with your therapist.
Success comes in many forms. One of them is staying away from that thin ice, and seeing the possibility that you might slip, before you actually fall.
WALKING ON A THIN LINE—HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS