Talk To The Face, Because The Mind Ain’t Listening

I was talking to a patient the other day in my office. I listened to her for about an hour go on and on about what she had eaten for lunch, how much she had eaten for breakfast, what she was going to eat for dinner, and how many calories that was. Then she segwayed into how tight her jeans felt and what weight she was before she came into treatment and how she feels so fat, and what her thighs feel like today,and what they felt like yesterday.

I found myself trying to concentrate, but kept thinking about how I was excited to go home and watch Shark Week on the Discovery channel that night, and how I was excited about my upcoming trip to Vegas, and the Katy Perry concert I was going to the weekend after that. I was thinking about how funny the word Onomatopoeia was, how blueberries were on sale this week, how I needed to pick up dental floss, and cinnamon lifesavers. I was thinking about how I love puppies, and Ferris wheels, and the color of the Ocean in Malibu. I wondered what chairs would look like if peoples knees bent the other way?. I thought about how cool it would be to be the person who named lipstick and nail polish or the flavors of Ben and Jerry ice cream.

I then started thinking about Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and how I had to also put that on my grocery list, and how “cool” it was I could then I thought no pun intended). . I was thinking that it’s awfully interesting that Doctors in France are very busy trying to figure out how to clone dogs, when in all honesty they should be trying to figure out how to clone Johnny Depp. I then started thinking about Johnny Depp, which made me think of what our wedding is going to be like, and how cool Melissa Depp sounds. I then thought about how until that happens I should officially change my name to Nobody and then that way when somebody says “You know, Nobody is Perfect, I can look them in the eye and say..”Why thank you..thank you very much. I thought about tootsie pops and then I wondered how many licks it does indeed take to get to the center of a tootsie pop..but then I forgot that CRUNCH!!…The world will ever know. I then added tootsie pops to my grocery list and decided I would try to solve the mystery, and wondered if this would get me my own reality show. I thought about what a brilliant show that would be. I thought about when this happens it will only be a matter of time before I have my own clothing line,appear on “Dancing with the Stars” and get my own perfume. OMG…thinking of perfumes made me think about the new body wash I just bought and how it made me smell like a cocktail, and that it made me want to stick an umbrella in my ass and call myself a strawberry daiquiri.

…I then thought about strawberries which made me think of my strawberry shortcake doll I had in the 6th grade and then I quickly diverted away from the subject of 6th grade, because that was not a good hair year for me. I then thought of Lady Gaga’s new song “Hair” which is officially my theme song for the week, and that I really need to start thinking about my theme song for the next week and then made me make a promise to myself it would not be Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.” Then I thought that when I grow up I would like to be a Backup singer for Beyonce, or perhaps a replacement to Ryan Seacrest. Then it made me think about how short Ryan Seacrest is, and how I could never be his girlfriend as I wear such high heels. I then thought about how although I am 5′ 6″ my heel height actually makes me 5’9″ and how that is kind of like telling somebody you drive 10 miles per hour in your driveway, but 60 miles on the Freeway..which made me think that I needed gas in my car which bored me, so I quickly went back to thinking about shoes, and then shoes and then…

WHOOPS…oh my goodness I quickly realized my mind had wandered and I began to focus back on what this patient was saying, and by now she had moved on to how skinny the other girl next to her was at lunch and how she needed to be that skinny, and how much she wished she was that girl, and did I think she was fatter then that girl, and if so by how much? I forced a smile and being that I am a not a therapist told her that these were things she should discuss with her therapist. I then looked her straight in the eye and told her I was done having a conversation with her eating disorder. I told her it was because her eating disorder was boring the hell out of me, and that when she wanted to talk to me about what size shoes she wears, what kind of movies she likes, how many brothers and sisters she had, what her favorite color is, what kind of animals she likes, what are her passions, what were her dreams and what did she want to talk to me about…… besides the size of her damn thighs and, what she was currently digesting!!

She looked at me with wide eyes and basically was in shock. Perhaps I would get frowned on for not nodding and smiling like everybody else does when she goes on and on an on and on, but sometimes enough is enough. I wasn’t putting her in check, but by golly I was putting her Anorexia on Blast. It was about time somebody called a spade a spade and I honestly wish somebody would have told me that years ago.

The thing is Eating Disorders are boring, they are repetitive, and they are wasted energy. People including myself have spent hours and hours upon hours dwelling on what seems to be so important so crucial, but in all honestly is stuff most of the outside population could give a “rats ass about.”  Seriously how many times a day does anybody really concentrate on or think about what someobody else eats or how much somebody else weighs. Unless you are a doctor treating somebody with an eating disorder, then probably not so much. And even then at that end of the day those Doctors are not dwelling on it, but going on to think about their own lives.

As you can see these days I think about quite a lot of other things, and as crazy as they are, they are far more refreshing and a whole heck of a lot more interesting then my damn Eating Disorder. The only thing I am interested in, is hearing about your Eating Disorder’s destructive behavior on the day you tell it to go to Hell and kick it to the curb!!  I can’t wait to hear about it, I can’t wait to hear all about YOU!!! Til then your Eating Disorder can talk to my face, but in all honestly my mind aint listening!!


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